The old line has always been to do your best, or try your hardest. If you did that then you were rewarded with peace of mind or whatever it is you were striving for at that particular time. Well what happens when you do your best and it still isn't enough?
When you go out of your way for people, go above and beyond what is expected of you and you still end up on the losing end. Now obviously the "the losing end" is completely up to interpretation I get that. But I guess what I am trying to say is what happens when everything you try and do comes up short.
When all your efforts are lost and nothing you do does any good? What is the correct reaction to this? Stop trying? Try harder? I really don't know what I need to do sometimes. ( maybe most times) and I am tired of trying so hard to make things better or easier only to end up making things worse.
I am not sure what needs to be done anymore I really am not. I wish I had the answers I wish I could just know what to do or what to say. All I want are simple things, peace of mind, good times, good company. But it seems like the harder I try to better myself and achieve my goals the quicker they seem to slip out of my hands.
I realize life isn't always supposed to be easy and that frustration is just part of the territory... I just don't have to like it.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Sometimes I just don't know
I try to put things in perspective, I try to look at things from a different place, and I try and be appreciative. The problem is the day in day out mental assault just makes me more and more bitter. I get so caught up in the frustration and rage I get from it that I lash out or come across as maybe ungrateful or even hateful but the truth is I need to go. I shouldn't be there anymore and I know it...
I can't blame her for being the way she is, even though I have heard the stories a million times I really have no clue what she has gone through in her life. I know that Al took his toll on her as it did to everyone but especially to her. I know her life growing up was painful and by today's standards, torturous.
I try to think about these things when she is forcing her dogma on me. I try to think of these things when she is pointing out how fat I and everyone in the universe is. I try and think about it when she is constantly picking at Marci for the things she does, and how it isn't the way she would do it. Marci doesn't have the skin for it or the heart. To be a Vera sometimes means you have to just deal with projected bullshit and politics, it's just our dynamic. One that perhaps I have grown weary of..
It wouldn't even be as bad if it just what it is, in a straight out way but it isn't... its a game. I am not being offensive I am looking out for your best interest, I CARE. That is why I am always watching and always judging, criticizing, listening... chiming in with my two cents.
This week has been especially difficult, she has had too much time on her hands and idle time always leads to boredom and amped up critiquing. You combine that with the upcoming Easter Sunday and you have a powder keg of epic proportions. I watch my dad fumble through the bed he's made for himself and I wonder if I will ever leave this place..
It was always a place of comfort and peace for me growing up. I used to stay home from school to bask in the little world my mother created. It was safe there after all. Even the first time I moved out after our wedding, I missed it. But the older I got the more I realized how much denial and manipulation went into it, it turned from a sanctuary into a prison. I want so badly to leave more than I have ever wanted anything. Not just for me but for Marcia as well...she doesn't deserve this...
I am caught between a rock and a hard place literally, do I move out and risk the business...Marci's job is teetering and the economy has yet to bounce back. But how much do we have to sacrifice how long does this have to go on. I used to think I could wait till she finished school but I seriously cannot even begin to imagine another two years... Marci has already cracked and I am next...
At the end of the day, it isn't my place to even complain... I am there. And as long as I am there I will have to deal with this. That is just the way it is right now...
I can't blame her for being the way she is, even though I have heard the stories a million times I really have no clue what she has gone through in her life. I know that Al took his toll on her as it did to everyone but especially to her. I know her life growing up was painful and by today's standards, torturous.
I try to think about these things when she is forcing her dogma on me. I try to think of these things when she is pointing out how fat I and everyone in the universe is. I try and think about it when she is constantly picking at Marci for the things she does, and how it isn't the way she would do it. Marci doesn't have the skin for it or the heart. To be a Vera sometimes means you have to just deal with projected bullshit and politics, it's just our dynamic. One that perhaps I have grown weary of..
It wouldn't even be as bad if it just what it is, in a straight out way but it isn't... its a game. I am not being offensive I am looking out for your best interest, I CARE. That is why I am always watching and always judging, criticizing, listening... chiming in with my two cents.
This week has been especially difficult, she has had too much time on her hands and idle time always leads to boredom and amped up critiquing. You combine that with the upcoming Easter Sunday and you have a powder keg of epic proportions. I watch my dad fumble through the bed he's made for himself and I wonder if I will ever leave this place..
It was always a place of comfort and peace for me growing up. I used to stay home from school to bask in the little world my mother created. It was safe there after all. Even the first time I moved out after our wedding, I missed it. But the older I got the more I realized how much denial and manipulation went into it, it turned from a sanctuary into a prison. I want so badly to leave more than I have ever wanted anything. Not just for me but for Marcia as well...she doesn't deserve this...
I am caught between a rock and a hard place literally, do I move out and risk the business...Marci's job is teetering and the economy has yet to bounce back. But how much do we have to sacrifice how long does this have to go on. I used to think I could wait till she finished school but I seriously cannot even begin to imagine another two years... Marci has already cracked and I am next...
At the end of the day, it isn't my place to even complain... I am there. And as long as I am there I will have to deal with this. That is just the way it is right now...
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